


Flowers of Regret

by FluffFailure



Category: Aldnoah.Zero (Anime)
Genre: F/M, Hanahaki Disease, Sad Story, Unrequited Love, flower meaning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-07-15 20:00:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7236424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluffFailure/pseuds/FluffFailure
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, when the patient coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings and all of one’s memories of their beloved person would be wiped out along with the petals. It can be cured without side effects only when the feelings are returned. One can die from this disease because the growing flowers will eventually block their airway, leading to suffocation.</p><p>The meaning of purple hyacinth: Purple hyacinth is the flower most commonly used to symbolize regret. The purple hyacinth is an emblem of forgiveness and means "I am sorry," "Please forgive me" and "Sorrow."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Flowers of Regret

**Author's Note:**

> 1) Hanahaki Disease is only a fictional disease  
> 2) Hyacinths are plants with some level of toxicity in them.  
> 

_“I have one more favour to ask of you.”_

“It wasn’t me. It’s what Princess Asseylum wishes for.”

_“Please..._

_Please, save Slaine._

_Save Slaine Troyard._

_Save him from the chains of misery_

_Please.”_

“Seylum asked me... to save you.”

 

It was pouring outside when he woke up from his slumber. Drops and drops of water hit the ground repeatedly, creating a mournful rhythm for the dead. 

Slaine remembered breaking out crying after having heard Kaizuka’s word. It had been months since that happened, but he could still recall the conversation to its very detail. The Empress’s wish was the only thing to keep him hanging onto his life right now. Staring lifelessly into the walls around, reminiscing of the times they spent together... were the only things he did every day. He had long abandoned hope, as well as stopped living – Slaine was only surviving at the moment.

His world had turned monotonous - now it was only a mixture of black and white. The gentle blue of the sky, or maybe even the light in his eyes, had withered away and changed into a void, dusty colour. If there was one thing that hadn’t died within him, it would be the love for his princess. A desperate one-sided love. He still had a place in her heart, but only as a friend, that much he knew. However, no matter how much time passed or how much pain he had to bear, he still couldn’t stop loving her.

Nightmares of her being killed were familiar to him by now. Every time it happened, his eyes would snap open in the middle of the night, and he would feel tears running down his cheeks. There were times he couldn’t even hold back the sound of his screams.

Slaine wanted to meet her again so much. To see her smile sweetly again, to hear her gentle voice even though he knew they would never be directed at him anymore. He begged her for forgiveness repeatedly in his head, despite knowing she could never hear those words.

Slaine coughed furiously before staring blankly at a single purple petal in his palm. All the windows were closed due to the heavy rain, so he had no idea how this petal could made its way inside this cell, until he coughed again and noticed the next one falling out of his mouth.

Slaine looked closely at the fragile petal in his hand. He had seen this flower before, back then when he was still a little boy. It was him who told the princess about various kinds of flower, and this was one of them. Purple hyacinth – the flower most commonly used to symbolize regret, which undoubtedly suited the feeling that was burdening his heart. This kind of plant was even poisonous, just like how Slaine's regret was eating away his soul every day. However, Slaine had no way of knowing why he was able to cough up something like this in the first place.

The strange phenomenon didn’t stop even when he was visited by Kaizuka. It should be a time of complete silence, but this time his cough had broken it. A petal flew toward the younger boy, and judging from his look, Slaine could tell his problem was really serious.

“You still love her, after all this time?” – Kaizuka asked, looking really sad.

“... It’s the one thing that will never change.” – His reply was as small as a whisper.

“Sorry for having to inform you, but that one thing won’t be able to remain as it is, given the state you are in. Do you know about the Hanahaki disease?”

“I don’t, but I doubt that a mere disease could change the way I feel about her.”

“The Hanahaki disease is a rare illness born from one-sided love, when the patient coughs up flower petals when they suffer from unrequited feelings. One can die from this disease because the growing flowers will eventually block their airway, leading to suffocation. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings and all of one’s memories of their beloved person would be wiped out along with the petals. It can be cured without side effects only when their love is returned.” – Kaizuka stopped for a moment, waiting for him to catch up – “You have no other choice but going through surgery, that’s why your feeling couldn’t remain as it is.”

 

All sounds... were shut off. Extingguished. Erased. Slaine was plunged into a hopeless void, remnant of the world... or his heart, that had fallen apart.

“...o...d?”

Someone was calling him. Ah, it did not matter, for the truth remained. He lost something precious.

He failed... to protect them... again.

“...ard?”

_It's arrogant to think that there is a way to fight against fate. At the end of that road, there is no salvation._

And yet... he still...

“Tr--”

“... I don't want that.”

Before Slaine knew it, his hands had already slammed into the table, but the pain hardly reached his thought.

“I won’t accept it. My memories of her are the only beautiful things left in my godforsaken life! I would rather die than have them taken away!”

“I can’t allow that to happen. It is the Empress's wish that you live-”

“I have stopped living a long time ago. And you are going to force me to forget her because she wants me to live? How kind of you, Kaizuka. How’s that different from forcing me to cease being a human?” – His voice was trembling vigorously – “So you are satisfied even with me _surviving_ as a _creature_ , as long as I’m still in this cage?”

The prisoner’s voice shook Inaho’s thoughts. He also knew what it was like to have his feeling not returned – after all, he still loved her enough to continue this seemingly pointless task until now. Imagining every single one of his memories of her being wiped away scared him even more than death itself. Was there no other way but the kindhearted Seylum having to finally let go of Slaine to save him from the chains of misery? It would no doubt be very painful for her, but she wasn’t the kind of person who would make her childhood friend suffer more than he already had.

Inaho was lost for word. In the face of emotions, there was no 'black' or 'white'. Who was he to decide what was 'correct' and what was not?

Hiding his clenched fists under the table, Inaho spoke.

“Sorry for having said such things earlier. It’s you who have the right to decide this, not anyone else.”

He was about to leave the room when Slaine suddenly addressed him again.

“Sorry for having shot you, Orange. And thank you for everything you have done for her. Please take care of yourself from now on.”

 _So this was the real you, Slaine Troyard -_  Inaho thought to himself - ~~~~ _A caring, kind-hearted boy who was chosen by cruel fate to become its plaything, but never loses his heart._

Those words were like daggers stabbing at Inaho's heart. If someone said he had no emotion, that person would be totally wrong. The feeling of being unable to help pained him so much that he could barely manage to give back an answer.

“I will make sure to ease her pain when she knows this. I promise.”

“Goodbye.”

 

Slaine was left alone in his cell again. Purple petals kept fluttering one after another, and he stared blankly at them.

So his life has finally reached its end. Just like the way things should have been from the start.

Honestly, Slaine was astounded that Kaizuka actually agreed to his decision. What was it he saw in Slaine that changed even his mechanical, stoic mind? A cornered animal? A pitiful prisoner?

Whatever that was, it would certainly, definitely, absolutely _not_ be his will not to give up on the things he held dear. His will did not matter, because it was not needed for Kaizuka to continue his ‘promise’. It never did.

But what if, just this time, it did?

That would mean Kaizuka was, in fact, a sensible person, which was probably why he had a loving family and many friends. Or was it the other way around, because he grew up in their warmth that he became this kind of person...?

And Slaine really should stop this train of thought, before he was burned with this envy that Kaizuka had everything he did not have, or started wondering how nice it would be to have ‘a loving family’ and ‘friends’... or remembered that _she_ herself had given up on such luxuries the moment she took an Orbital Knight’s hand in a political marriage.

In exchange for Empress’s wish for peace, she discarded the Princess’s wish for happiness, yet a part of it was there, in the back of his mind, a constant existence.  

_“It’s the Empress’s wish that you live.”_

That was why even though he used to ask for death, he kept clinging onto his miserable life until now. Because more than anyone, he knew she would cry and blame herself for the rest of her life the moment she heard about him leaving this world.

The image of her crying before him showed itself in front of his half-lidded eyes. Slaine felt like his heart was about to break apart as drops of tears kept forming no matter how many times he tried to dry them away - just like the rain outside which had not yet stopped.

Slaine still remembered the unbearable pain of losing someone important to him, and he would never want her to experience it. He had hurt her feeling, betrayed her trust in him once, and his regret was never going to fade away in the slightest. Right now, when another choice had just been put in his hand, Slaine didn’t think he was allowed to repeat the same mistake. Knowing his death would hurt her feeling again was more than enough for him to make his decision.

_If only I could stop loving you by my own free will, it wouldn’t have pained me this much._

The one and only thing he had ever wished for was no other than for her to be able to smile happily again.

_So long as my life is your wish, I will even cease to be human in order to make it a reality._

Kaizuka visited him again the next day. Slaine found it laughable how bewildered the talented tactician of Earth was, having heard his new decision and looking like a heavy stone had sunk deep inside his stomach.

“This... doesn't make any senses...”

“It will make things easier for everyone. She will not have to blame herself, you can keep your promise, and I can eventually free myself from this pain in my heart.”

“But your memories... your only motivation will...”

“A creature can still survive without a motivation, Kaizuka.”

“But you are a human being, Troyard, for crying out loud!”

Kaizuka, seeming to have fathomed that Slaine's decision would not change, dropped the pursuit. He looked helpless.

“Is there... truly nothing else I can do?”

Slaine let the silence drift freely in the cramped space of his cell. The fresh smell of rain still lingered, not quite replaced by the salty wind of the sea. It was the perfect opportunity for sea gulls to gather and spread their wings where the ocean blue and sky blue connected. One called out to the others, and Slaine wished it was calling out for him.

“You said the Tharsis’s white reminded you of the sea gulls’, correct?”

“I did.”

“Is it the same to you the other way around? Do you see the Tharsis as you look at the sea gulls?”

From the corner of his eyes Slaine saw Kaizuka pondering the question. He must have never thought about it, with his busy schedule and all, so Slaine felt a tad grateful that his question was seriously considered. Kaizuka’s only eye followed Slaine’s line of sight to gaze at where the pure white birds stood out gracefully from the two hues of blue.

“No. Probably, I have always seen ‘freedom’”.

“I’m glad.”

None of them spoke as they silently chased the same bird, until the clouds drifted away, revealing the blinding sun that had them both turned away to avoid its light.

“You see, Kaizuka, she is like the sea gulls. Despite looking delicate, she is strong, graceful, and full of determination. She deserves freedom - freedom to follow her own resolve, to overcome challenges and to fly higher, faster, wherever her answer leads her.

So I, too, have to come to my answer. Even though I can no longer accompany her, I can still, at least, protect her smile. I shall not let my death weigh down her heart, so that those wings of hers will spread and take her anywhere. I refuse to be a burden.”

_Take that, fate._

_“This is the choice I make, Kaizuka._   _If it’s for her sake, then I will resign as a human being._ ”

 

There were only 5 minutes left until the surgery started. Kaizuka was sitting at his bedside right now.

“Do you want to write something for your future self, in case he couldn’t understand anything?” – He asked. Slaine had been too caught up in his thought that he didn’t think about this even once.

“You’re right. Maybe I should do that.”

Slaine took the pen and the papers the other gave him, and started to scribble something on them. Then he gave Kaizuka back the pen and a neatly folded piece of paper. The rest of the notes were only left open on the table.

“... Please give her my letter, but don’t tell her a word about this.” – Finally he said, before the guard showed up and brought him in the surgery room.

 

The meeting between the UFE and the Empress, which were held on Vers finally came to an end. Inaho waited for the other members to leave before arranging to talk to the Empress in person. Asseylum led him to another room, leaving her guards outside since she trusted him completely.

“What could be the reason for you go this far?” – She asked.

“It's Slaine's wish to give you this.”

Inaho took out a small box from the bag he brought with him and gave it to her. She put it on the table and slowly opened it.

A sob escaped her lips as her eyes fell on the items inside – a multi-flora purple hyacinth and a neatly folded piece of paper. A flashback of an old memory appeared in her mind.

_The two of them, a princess and her mentor were watching a book full of photos about flowers on Earth._

_“...Woah, Earth has so many beautiful kinds of flowers! How do you choose ones to give others?”_

_“Do you know every flower has its own meaning? There are happy ones, along with sad ones.”_

_“Flowers are that complicated? Ah, do you know the meaning of these roses?”_

_“Red roses mean ‘I love you’, while blue roses mean ‘impossible’ but also ‘miracle’. Learning about them is really fun.”_

_“Then, how about these purple ones?”_

“ _These flowers are called purple hyacinths, and are an emblem of forgiveness. Theirs meanings are ‘I am sorry’, ‘Please forgive me’ and ‘Sorrow’.”_

_“Then they are a perfect gift if you want to apologise to someone, right?_

_“Yes, Asseylum-hime...”_

With trembling hands, she opened the piece of paper. Tears rolled out of her eyes one after another like drops of rain as she fell onto her knees upon seeing its content. Written in the paper were only 3 words, the ones she had always known about him despite everything, but not once heard them spoken: “I love you.”

 

Many years later.

Slaine had been released from prison with the help of Inaho and the Empress quite a long time ago. Kaizuka had kept his promise - in the end Empress Asseylum never knew about the origin of that flower, and Slaine's careful preparation helped him narrowly escape her doubt of the missing memories. For the remaining time Slaine was imprisoned, Kaizuka even suggested him studying about how Aldnoad could be used for medical purpose instead of creating more destructive weapon (could it be that he felt responsible? - Slaine never asked, but took the advice nonetheless).

He had just finished checking an old woman’s health before a girl from the group brought him a bottle of water.

“Senpai is trying your hardest as always, huh? I wonder why such a kind-hearted person like you hadn’t got a girlfriend yet?”

A flashback replayed in his mind.

 

_Slaine woke up on the bed after the surgery was done. The first thing he felt was the hollowness inside his heart, as if there were no longer anything left in its place. His feelings were either mixed, or he had absolutely none at all. And the strangest thing might be the tears flowing down his face as he felt like something very important to him had just been lost, yet he couldn’t figure out what it was no matter how hard he tried._

_His memories were vague and discontinuous, and he couldn’t understand why he did what he did. Then he remembered writing something before the surgery, and found the notes he left on the table._

_“This is what the you of a few hours ago had written, I think you can still recall it vividly. First thing, you – I – used to love a person named Asseylum, and she is now the Empress of Vers. It may seem untrustworthy, but we have met her before. She was the only one who saved our life and was very kind to us back on Vers; that was why we fell in love with her and tried to protect her at all cost. That explains the things we did in the past – because we wanted to make her happy - but ironically, they only did the opposite. Still, being the kind-hearted princess she always was, Asseylum-hime saved us again, wishing for us to live._

_Then we developed a disease called Hanahaki, and decided to have it cured with the loss of our memories and feeling. You may resent me for taking away your only motivation, but keep in mind that we love her enough that we would go to any extent – even destroy our own soul – to fulfil her wish._

_If one day she decided to visit you, please do not let her know about the missing memories. She would definitely cry and blame herself, and that is something neither of us ever wants to happen. I have written them down as many as possible so that if that time comes you may be able to deal with it._

_And the last thing. Kaizuka Inaho is actually a good person – a kind-hearted and responsible one – even though he may look kind of expressionless. So please don’t be so harsh around him from now on. He is the only human connection you have left anyway._

_I’m sorry, Slaine. Goodbye."_

 

_"... Such a selfish person."_

_The crumped letter in hand, Slaine muttered those words drowned in the sea gulls' call._

_"Selfishly loving someone, selfishly acting on that love, and selfishly sacrificing it..."_

_Yet somehow, he had felt like moving forward again._

A sad smile appeared on his face as he answered the girl.

“I don’t know. Maybe I would never have one. Because it feels like... my heart to fall in love with someone had been taken away already...”

Leaving the girl with a confused look behind, he quietly walked away, not once turning back.

**Author's Note:**

> What do you think is sadder - death or being able to live but not able to love (in a romantic way) anymore for the rest of your life? (this idea is from Nagi no Asukara, or NagiAsu for short; it's a great anime)  
> The idea for this fic is from the last sentence in the song '0.vers': 'Your phantom made me hold on to dear life.'


End file.
